The First Weekend

Last Saturday, for the first time since moving to Nashville, I was alone. Alone in my new house, in a new city, with my new life, and new friends that I hadn’t yet made. My sister left from her visit the day before, my roommate drove out of town, and every single person I knew in this city was somewhere doing other things in other places. I felt the kind of loneliness reserved solely for nomadic twenty somethings and old boxed up jeans in the corner of the attic. Cue panic attack.

I passed that morning with Netflix, reasoning that watching “Friends” was the next best thing to actually having them. When the silence in my house was so heavy it muffled Monica Gellar’s shrieks, I took refuge with a plate of breakfast food in a coffee shop booth overlooking the street. When I left my barista company behind me, I marked each step home with the mantra of”You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay…”I almost believed myself.

Fittingly, I finished my day of self pity with a hot shower, Daniel Powter song, and 30 second meltdown.

For the first 20, I did something that could have maybe been crying or maybe the sound an old man would make after running uphill for a cup of water.

And then, I counted down from

10-My best friends are all in different cities

9-My family isn’t even in this state.

8- Old man noise

7- Exhale.

6- I left people behind

5-Because they didn’t want this.

4- I want this.

3- This is what I’ve been waiting for.

2- I made it.

1- Be brave.

In the end, it isn’t just about making the move to Nashville and chasing my dreams. It’s about realizing what I want out of life, and not letting anyone take that away from me or tell me I can’t do it. I liked a boy who won’t date me because my house is too far from his.  I left others behind who only wanted me beside them to play games but lost. My parents were supportive, but my dad cried and I realized what it feels like to open my eyes to Wide Open Spaces. I saw people take the road expected of them, and I learned that Robert Frost and Kid President knew what they were talking about. Because I can only regret what I wanted but never knew. So I prayed and life fell into place because faith told me it would. I reconnected with old friends, made a good friend better and we decided not to fall in love. But I did fall in love with this new beginning and the God who truly knew my deepest desires before I could name them myself.

Last Saturday, for the first time since moving to Nashville, I was alone. But alone in Nashville, TN was exactly where I needed to be.

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